I really hope you print this letter because I have a really big problem. I think you might be the only one who can help me out of this. I have two cats, one is named "Bill Bo, " and the other is named "Bagg Inns." Bagg Inns' name is spelled funny, but that's because he's a funny guy- like you I bet! Well, maybe you're more serious and mystical than funny, I don't know. We've never met. I'd like to meet you. Anytime! You already have my address because I mailed you a letter and you have my phone number because I wrote it in the letter. Ball's in your court.
Anyway, my two cats are driving me nuts. I like when at night time, all (both) the cats come to bed and sleep with me (My mom told me they eat nightmares AND bad dreams, ((I have a lot of both))). The problem is that only one cat comes to bed with me, Bill Bo. She's always there. I know Bill Bo is a weird name for a girl cat, my dad says I'm very progressive about subverting gender norms.
Once Bill Bo is on the bed I call for Bagg Inns to come up, but he never does. Well, not never, sometimes he does, and when he does, Bill Bo yells at him (I think cats call it hissing?).
How can I make everybody love each other and sleep together so that I don't have nightmares or bad dreams? Because if I have to dream the dream where I'm alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean calling out "Help!" again, I'll never stop crying.
Walter, age 7
(Dictated, but not read)
(Dictated, but not read)
Walter, age 7,
That you for your very interesting question. I thought you were a total douche until I noted that you are only 7. Now I think that you are a very smart, sensitive and possibly troubled young man. I visited both your cats in their cat dreams and spoke to them about the bed issue.
They both love you very much, by the way. They even told me I could tell you their real cat names. Bill bo's true name is "Nightmare Smasher, " and Bagg Inns is called "Bad Dream Eater." They both think the names you gave them are pretty good too, and they like them just fine.
When I talked to them about bed time, they both agreed that they would like to sleep in bed all together. However, guarding a kid against bad dreams takes two cats and one has to stay on the floor. This is because sometimes bad dreams try to sneak in from windows and basements. The floor cat's job is to patrol the house and keep you safe.
The bed cat is there to comfort you and make sure they get and bad dreams that slip past the floor cat. This is how they work together to keep you safe at night.
They did say that they might be able to work out a deal where they both stay in bed with you while you sleep but they have to get permission from the council of cats first, and that takes a few weeks.
I hope knowing this helps you out!
As Always I Remain,
Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn't start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.
He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at "The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack".
If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: firstname.lastname@example.org