Aries- Mars, your ruling planet got arrested for a DUI last night and isn’t in the mood to hear any of your nonsense. Get your shit together horn-head. One skull.
Taurus- Same as Aries but different. One skull
Gemini- Well, you’ll find a pile of turds in an unexpected place mid-week. No getting around it. Look for an opportunity to use your crotch crunching skills on Saturday, you’ll be glad you took that class for sure. Three skulls.
Cancer- This week will find you weeping during coffee commercials as the moon enters international waters on Thursday. Use this to your advantage. Two skulls.
Leo- This time it might be a good idea to leave that thing at home. You know the thing I mean. Trust me on this. The stars never fail. Five skulls.
Virgo- Mercury goes into retrograde on Wednesday, which means you’ll have to speak and walk backwards if you want to get your point across. Four skulls.
Libra- Every once in awhile a person gets a chance to step up and show those around them the true nature of their character. You won’t be having this sort of day anytime this week, thanks to Venus being held up in customs. Focus on organizing your video game related spreadsheets. Three skulls.
Scorpio- “You’ll catch more flies with honey.” is a saying you’ll want to disagree with come Tuesday, when you unveil your superior-to-honey-fly-attracting gel at a press conference. Five skulls.
Sagittarius- Aim for the stars, but settle for the sky is your motto these days. Jupiter enters into child custody negotiations mid-week, opening the door for bad luck and anti-gravity related mischief. Two skulls.
Capricorn- The sun is currently residing in your sign, which makes you feel more important than you are. I’d tell you to be careful this week, but do you ever listen? Half skull.
Aquarius- Paper plates are fine for most days but you’ll want something a little bit nicer if you're going to convince the sheriff to let you stay in your house. One skull.
Pisces- You have no one to blame but yourself. Three skulls.