Dear Dr. Hugo,
I bought your book “What is Wrong With You” and read the entire thing. I didn’t really find out anything about what was wrong with me, only stuff about the things that have caused me to have things wrong with me. Puzzled by this phenomenon, I bought your second book “Conquer Your Dreams” and also read that one too. I didn't really learn how to do anything from that book, only that it is bad to have dreams and want to do something with your life.
I already felt this way before I bought and read your books. I felt and feel worse now than I did before I read them. Are you coming out with a third book? If so, I’ll buy it and read it but doubt it will help me.
What should I do?
I wish I could thank you for buying and reading my books, but I can’t. I can’t because you did not address your letter properly. If you read my last advice column, you would have noticed that confused people address me as the “Rev. Dr. Holmesnow”, not “Dr. Hugo”.
It is improper of you to assume such blatant familiarity with me. Have you ever heard of transference? I didn’t think so. It is something that happens where clients fall in love with me because I am fixing their lives for them. The only way this can be stopped is by using a formal means of addressing me. This makes our roles in each other’s lives clear and implies romantic non-sense should not happen. You have muddied those sacred waters.
By using such a casual tone, I assume you have fallen in love with me. I cannot return your love. The love of someone who refuses the help I offer through my books, advice columns and other ways is no good to me. If you truly care about me, you will at least respect this.
Also, it has been customary for some time to sign your letter with a clever phrase that spells something that ideally amuses me. Failing that, you should at least endeavor to sign your letter with an adverb or similarly-functioning word.
For example, last time someone had a terrible problem and asked for my advice. They signed that letter “Confused”.
You signed your’s “Tom”.
See? Do you see the difference between the ways of letter signing that are available to you?
It’s not that I cannot help you, I can. It is just that I will not.
I suggest that you review the information that I have bestowed upon you and try writing me again, perhaps, if I am satisfied with your progress, I will help you then.
I was going to help another person but I am now too exhausted after trying to explain to you why I will not (not cannot) help you at this time.
Well done, “Tom”. Not only did you fail to receive help, you ruined this week’s column, not only for yourself- but for all of my readers and myself as well.
His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.
When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.
Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.
In addition to creating a system of self improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and ebook formats.