Aries- Don’t get cocky just yet, there’s still the matter of an appeal. The stars are telling you to make sure you removed all those fingerprints and get those dental records destroyed, a whole new life awaits you! Four Skulls.
Taurus- Time to face the music, my bull horned friend. After years of passing the buck, the devil will come knocking on your door to get his due. The only question that remains is how are you going to face something you can’t see, only hear? Two Skulls.
Gemini- I can only imagine your disappointment on the 17th, when you finally realize that Leprechaun trap you invented was just a cup of noodles attached to a piece of kite string. Four Stars if you haven’t already submitted the idea to Shark Tank, One Skull if you did.
Cancer- Like the animal and disease that your sign shares its name with, you’ll also find yourself hard and sick. What does that mean, cancer? I don’t know. I just write down what the stars are saying. Maybe if you called your mother once in awhile, you’d have some of this stuff figured out already, wouldn’t you? Three Skulls.
Leo- Why are you hitting yourself? Three Skulls.
Virgo- Nobody understands you, right? Look I get it. The thing is that people don’t want to understand a whiny, demanding, irrational drunk who is upset because they can’t burn things down as often as they’d like to. Don’t worry, next Tuesday when Mars enters your sign, you’ll have more than one chance to settle some hash. Unknown number of Skulls.
Libra- Don’t turn left until you’re sure you’re holding the map correctly. Keep that in mind and you’ll come up aces all month. Three Skulls.
Scorpio- You bitch! I totes called it first. Negative Fifty Skulls (This means you Sally!!)
Sagittarius- Your sign is known for its love of travel. Why don’t you try some of that this month? Three Skulls.
Capricorn- No one really knows why your sign is represented by a goat fish, but it is. Don’t let that stop you this month, no matter what. Two Skulls.
Aquarius- Free love and always eating off of napkins and paper plates might seems like a great way to go through life, but ask your mom how it worked out for her before you commit to anything this month. One Skull.
Pisces- Keep drinking fish face. One Skull.