Dear The Reverend Doctor Hugo Holmesnow,
Whenever I get involved in a relationship terrible things happen to person I'm with. It wasn't always this way. I used to be able to meet some one and have a good time with them. We'd do things together, talk to each other, cook and eat food together- all the classic love things. For the past ten years or so, ever since returning from New Orleans where I visited a Voodoo priest and didn't pay him, all of my romantic interests die during our first date.
I have been arrested and questioned as a "person of interest" at least 15 times. I'd really like to meet someone nice and have them stay alive for once. I'm getting so lonely I could cry. All of the dating websites have banned me. My local paper no longer runs my ads and my television commercials aren't running at good times of the day.
All my lovers die on the first date and it's driving me nuts.
You have clearly been cursed. I could undo the curse put upon you easily. Jungle Shamanism is far more powerful than Voodoo and poses no serious threat to someone like me. Three coconuts, a railroad spike, two hours, and some rum is all I would need to undo this for you.
I am not going to do this ritual of uncursing for you.
It does not take a rocket scientist to understand that this happened to you because you did not pay the Voodoo man. By admitting this you are admitting that you don't pay your bills. Do you know what people who do not pay their bills often get called? The word is "deadbeat".
Magical ceremonies are not free, they aren't even cheap most of the time. I am concerned that if I remove your curse for you, you will not pay me, just as you did not pay the Voodoo man.
Do you do your job for free? I doubt that you have one. If you did, I bet you would not do it for free. People who work for free are called "slaves".
Do not despair, you have learned two new words today. I will use them in simple sentences to help you internalize them:
You are a deadbeat. A deadbeat is someone who doesn't pay their bills.
I am not a slave. A slave is someone who works for free.
I'd tell you to have a good day but you wrote to me with a serious problem, which I refused to help you with, so I doubt a good day is what you'll have.
If I were you,- I could never be like you. Never mind. we are done here.
Rev. Dr. Holmesnow
Dear Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,
Long time reader, first time writer. I just had to write and say something about last month's column. It made me so angry to see you disrespected by "Tom" that I had to write in and say something.
I agree 100% with how you handled the situation. I only wish you could meet him in person and settle his hash with a traditional beating- like how you describe it in your upcoming book "What is Wrong With Me? The Hugo Holmesnow Story."
There are so many good parts in your as of yet to be published book, that I had a difficult time choosing just one part. I also had no idea that you remember being in the womb. Wow! You really are as amazing as you say you are.
I'm including an excerpt for your soon to be published book "What's Wrong With Me? The Hugo Holmesnow Story."
P.S. It's great that you didn't use your titles and credentials in the title. "The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow Story" sounds far too intimidating for most people to read. By using just your name, you come across humble, yet brilliantly capable. I could go on and on……So here's a sample of your unpublished masterpiece:
Chapter One: My Birth and Babyhood
The two primeval forces I was composed of mingled and joined together inside of my host and so I began the long journey of transmuting spirit to flesh.
At first I was one cell, then two. I grew at a steady rate and soon had the beginnings of a head and the basic components of a nervous system. I also had a tail, but I did not know why or how to properly use it to my best advantage, yet.
Some time passed and soon I had a fully formed head. Once I had a head, I began to notice. Once I began to notice, I started to understand. Even though I had no concept of understanding, I understood. I had no concepts at all but I did not let that stop my evolution.
As time passed I began to understand the passage of time. I felt the cycles of what the already born were calling "day" and "night". I learned to hear sounds and soon developed tiny eyeballs, which I would use to see things. I saw a tube and from it I stole nourishment and nutrition from my host. This pleased me a great deal. The nourishing goo itself brought about a feeling of pleasant contentment but the fact that I was taking what something else needed in order to survive was what really excited me about the tube.
One day I noticed that I was not alone, there was another tiny head in my bio-incubation chamber. We fought. The battle raged for several "days". I was victorious, but just barely. I consumed my enemy and absorbed its life essence. I do not think my host noticed.
Things were calm after I had eliminated my rival and I suffered no further interruptions to my gestation. I grew, both in mind and body. New parts appeared with regularity. I now had four limbs. Two of which I called "hands" and the others I named "feet".
I took such joy from grabbing my feet with my hands and letting them go. I would do this over and over. Sometimes I would try to grab my tail, but I never was able to catch hold of it. I kept at it though, so much so that I had nearly given up on grabbing my feet and letting them go.
Day and night I worked at catching my tail. Turning this way, then that way. Flipping around and somersaulting. Floating and twisting. Always trying to grab my tail. I noticed that it seemed to be shrinking but that didn't stop me.
My will was absolute.
I was going to catch my tail.
I eventually did.
It was rapturous.
I will tell you the tale of how I caught my tail some other time. Now is not the time. Now is the time to tell you about how catching my tail made me feel and what it meant to me.
Catching my tail was the first time I felt my full power. It was the first time I noticed I was different, more special, better smelling and better at smelling than those around me.
Yes, by this point I had developed what you would call an "olfactory system." I could smell. I was ahead of schedule.
What I smelled, I can not say.
I did not yet know what I was, but I knew that I was and that is what is important.
Eventually, I developed a more refined concept of the passing of time. I could see that I was changing, getting bigger, larger. I was almost used to having a mouth and hair grew upon my head and feet. I did not know why. I did not care why. I understood why. That was enough.
My tail vanished. To where, I confess that I did not know.
Wow! I can hardly wait to wri--, I mean, read the rest!
Keep up the excellent work!! Your presence on Earth is a gift from God.
I couldn't have said it better myself. You really are a powerful and special man, full of wisdom and accomplishments. May your light continue to shine without the interference of "Tom".
The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow
His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.
When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.
Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the "Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System". This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.
In addition to creating a system of self improvement, Holmesnow is the author of "What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You" and "Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals". Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and ebook formats.