Daoine Sith Me Rabbit
Byline: Gary Llewellyn
Of course you can’t run from a Cu Sith. I was just trying to be supportive. They’re extra-dimensional beings. If you turn your back on one you’ll just see it sitting right in front of you. Just so nobody thinks I’m a complete monster, I doused myself in the pheromones as well. Stephanie had thrown the tracker away, so there weren’t many other options for getting into a Daoine Sith mound. I don’t remember much of the trip. I came to with a splitting headache and some angry-looking fairies hovering over me pointing spears in my face. It was definitely not the worst situation I’ve woken up in. And certainly not the first time I woke up with a pissed off monster waving a weapon in my face. I figured, by this point, they probably figured out Steph wasn’t pregnant and I wasn’t even a female of my species. Fairies are clever. What was a surprise is that I woke up at all.
“The human is awake, Your Majesty,” one of them said in a ridiculous helium voice.
Oh shit, the king of fairies? This is serious business.
“Should we feed him to the Cu?” said another.
“Later,” said a slightly deeper helium voice, “Leave me with it for now.”
It? Asshole. The deep voiced one walked up to me. Tall and thin, he was dressed in full regalia and had a crown of holly and ivy around sitting on its head. Kind of stupid looking, but my interest was in the amulet hanging around his neck. That was what I was here for and this tool was bringing it right to me.
“Why did you trick the Cu into bringing you to our kingdom, human?”
“Well, to be honest that wasn’t the plan. I was supposed to trick it into taking my ward down here, then I’d use the tracker I gave her to find the place and storm in Jack Reacher like, but she threw it away...best laid plans and all that.”
“Why? What do you want?”
“That goofy bling around your neck.”
“You would dare to lay hands on the Amulet of the Fae?”
“You wouldn’t believe what I’ve dared to lay hands on. That claw-machine trinket would be the least threatening. And nowhere near the most disgusting. Look, I’d explain it, but I don’t have the time and you’re brain is, what, the size of a walnut. A Brazil nut, if I’m being generous.”
He seemed unfazed when I ripped on the size of his brain.
“I will decide on the manner of your execution in the morning.”
He twirled around, making his cape flap around real dramatic like and left the room. Guess he wasn’t that unfazed.
My Dad’s a Lawyer
Byline: Stephanie Morgan
“I was being facetious,” Gary said. “You can't outrun a Cu Sith.”
“Have you tried?” I asked.
I turned around and saw another one bearing down on us.
“There's another one,” I gasped.
“Nope. Same one.”
“They're extra-dimensional. If it wants you, it knows where to find you.”
I grabbed the bottle of pheromones from Gary, unscrewed the pump and dumped the rest on him.
“There. Now he’s pregnant. It's a two-fer,” I said, trembling. The Cu Sith looked back and forth between us and plopped down on his haunches.
“Isn't he a male of your species?” the Cu Sith growled.
“It's 2017. Don't impose your rigid cis-gendered standards on us,” I replied.
“Are you even pregnant?” the Cu Sith hissed, “Or did you two come all the way out here to waste my time? I have hungry Sith to feed.”
Gary dropped to the ground, passed out. Pretty sure it wasn’t from fear, but just the handfuls of pills he’d had for breakfast finally kicking in.
“Alright,” the Cu Sith sighed. “C’mon.”
He began walking away and looking back. I felt something push me from behind. I turned to look and saw it head butting me.
“Let’s go,” it said. “Haven’t got all day.”
It led me to a mound of dirt covered in clover. It walked to the top of the mound, pawed at the dirt and waited. After about a minute it pawed again and waited.
“Let’s go, Sean,” it groaned. “Some of us have things to do.”
After a bit the top of the mound opened up and a stairway descended into the Earth.
“Right, down you go,” it said. “Mind the first step, innit. It’s a bit dodgy.”
He was right. The first step was a lot further down than it appeared and I stumbled.
“Steady on,” it said, biting down on the hem of my shirt. “There’s a lass.”
Once at the bottom two fairies dressed in armor and holding spears grabbed me and led me to a small room.
“Terry,” I heard the Cu Sith say, “Could you and Trevor go and fetch the other one? Passed out cold. Smells like he’s off his tits on Xanax. I’m going to have a bit of a lie down.”
I wonder if Cu Sith circled around for an hour before they finally lay down. They closed the door and I waited. For what, I had no idea. But what I did know; I’m so over fairies.