Letters to the Editor

Dear Uncle Mort,

Several years ago I bought a purple AMC Gremlin to show my peer group that there's no father to my style. Then all of the sudden everywhere I go I'm seeing purple Gremlins. A few years later I bought a blue Ford Fiesta with opalescent finish. Then, blue Fiestas everywhere! Earlier this year I bought a fire engine red Honda CR-V with a spoiler. Now all I see are people in red CR-Vs. Why does everyone have to cop my style, yo!

They See Me Rollin’

Dear Rollin’

Well you sure have a distinguished taste in cars! Why wouldn't they want to emulate you? But, what you are experiencing is a shift in your perceptual filter. You see, our brains filter out a bulk of the stimulus we’re receiving every second. It takes what it deems necessary for whatever situation we find ourselves in, creates a model of our current reality and projects it out into the world. If it didn't we might wind up catatonic or insane. The thing is, the red Hondas were always out there, but the stimulus was discarded by your brain as unnecessary details. That was until you bought your red Honda. You have red Hondas on the mind so you're noticing all the red Hondas already out there. Want do a fun experiment? Look out the window for minute or two. Now write down all the blue things you remember seeing. It may be a pretty short list. Now look for all the blue things out the window. There's an awful lot more blue out there than you thought there was! If you're curious about what life would be like if you didn't have perceptual filters, learn meditation, join a Sufi school or drop some LSD. It may also help with your narcissism and paranoia.

Dear Uncle Mort,
My wife recently purchased a foot long vibrating dildo and its putting a heavy strain on our marriage. It makes me really uncomfortable because I contend it's blue, but she insists its green. We haven't spoken for three days. Ya gotta help Uncle Mort! Tell her she's wrong.

Feeling blue in Michigan

Dear Michigan,
The long and not so short of it is...there's no such thing as colors, only wavelengths of reflected electromagnetism that the brain receives and assigns an image to. It then projects this image out into the world and that is what you see and call reality. Then we call it whatever our language and culture tells us to call it. You're literally fight over nothing. Just think, if you lived in certain Asian countries you wouldn't be having this fight at all. They traditionally don't make a blue-green distinction and use the same word for what English and other speakers have created a (arbitrary?) distinction. It's all a useful fiction your mind creates for navigating the world. Useful, sure, but in the end it's really just a mental construct and not really worth arguing over. Your real problem is going be the fortune your wife will be spending in batteries.

Dear Uncle Mort,

My big brother says you're just a shameless ripoff of Stan Lee and Alfred E. Newman. Should I break his kneecaps, for ya?

L’il Artie Cooper (president of the Uncle Mort fan club)

Dear L’il
What me worry? Excelsior!

P.S. Don't break his knee caps!