As the summer heat reaches its full power, I find myself too cranky to care about what the stars have in store for you. In fact, if this month's organic farmer's market and craft show hadn't been canceled, I wouldn't have bothered writing this column at all this month. We all have sufferings to endure. Don't judge me.
Star Mistress Stella, Mistress of Stars
Aries- It should go without saying this month, it should- but it won't. You always ruin it. Three skulls.
Taurus- You'll get used to everything being upside down. Not today, but someday. One star now and another before bed time.
Gemini- Checking yourself for ticks shouldn't take so long, but thanks to the moon's unwillingness to cooperate with local authorities regarding matters beyond your comprehension, it does. Two Skulls.
Cancer- This time you'll be ready. Ready for what? You're not ready to know that. Two and a half Skulls.
Leo- Each of us is a star, a unique and wonderful expression of the divine, but not you. Nobody knows what you are, except gross. No Skulls, but Two Fibula.
Virgo- Next time you find yourself at a party, leave your self there. Bring your Self home, though. Five Skulls.
Libra- It's all dry food for you this month, literally, figuratively, metaphorically, and for reals. Two Skulls.
Scorpio- Milking almonds isn't the fastest way for you to advance your career, but it's the only one available to you. It's udder-ly ridiculous, but that's just how it is. Moo Skulls (get it?).
Sagittarius- The expansion you felt and mistook for a desire to broaden your horizons is just gas. A table spoon of baking soda mixed with tepid tap water should fix you right up. One Skull.
Capricorn- Remember that time when you bothered to try? 6 people died that day as a direct result of your efforts. If you try this month, expect the body count to triple. Four Skulls.
Aquarius- How do you feel? The stars made you feel that way. Don't try to feel them back without wearing oven mitts though as they're made of exploding gasses. Two Skulls.
Pisces- Might as well swim all the way down to the bottom of the ocean and start a new life. Don't worry, most of you will learn to breathe underwater on the way down. Three and Three-Eighths Skulls.