Greetings unevolved, non-Ultra Violet Adult souls and troubled readers. I, the Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow am back with the first installment of my new and life
As you surely remember, last time I used this column to announce that I discovered that I am the first of the next generation of human evolution. I have surpassed Indigo, Crystal, and Rainbow children and have become an "Ultra Violet Adult". I also made many promises about how this revelation about myself will enable me to heal you on a massive scale never before seen in this dimension. I do not plan on disappointing you.
As I'm sure you will be happy to know, I have spent this past month eagerly exploring my new, superior, Ultra Violet Adult body in many, many places. Sometimes I performed my explorations in public without anyone noticing. One time I explored myself to my satisfaction on the steps of the public library, and another time while in line at the grocery store and the unenlightened Non-Ultraviolet around me did not notice anything unusual. The most satisfying of all was my exploration in the local post office. They will think twice before they mess with me again.
Do not worry, only institutions that have wronged me will face my Ultra Violet wrath. You, as an individual, have nothing to fear. Well, nothing to fear from me. You have many things to fear, I know this about you. My new powers tell me this is true.
In addition to my eager explorations, I have also been spending time pondering your troubles and how I can apply my new abilities and insights towards healing you in an efficient and impressive manner- all of which you will agree is important. After all, that's why I have ascended to this new plane of being- to help you heal. To be healed like you've never been healed before.
As you are aware, you often have trouble sleeping. This troubles me, but not to the point of losing sleep. Please, do not add my well-being to your already long list of things to worry about. That would be counter-productive and not at all interesting. You have so much to fret over as it is, why add something else?
There is no reason.
Since you have issues entering the Embrace of Morpheus, I have gathered five tips plus two bonus tips for sleeping that will aid you with falling asleep. Armed with this knowledge going to bed will become a "breeze"!
Five Tips For Falling Asleep If You Are Not An Ultra Violet Adult (plus two bonus tips).
1. Change The Foods You Eat
Not all foods are the same after you swallow them, only some foods are. Some foods are even different from each other before you swallow them. This is the case with most foods. This should be common knowledge but the government has been suppressing it for centuries. That the government suppresses knowledge should not be surprising to you as that is actual common knowledge and not something that should be common knowledge but isn't due to government suppression.
Each food item that you stuff into your face has an unique energy signature. If you are having trouble sleeping, the energy signature of your food may not be helping.
For example, did you know that foods such as coffee and soda pops contain something called "caffeine" which has an energy signature that will stop sleep from occurring in most humans? It also induces an anxious state in many people, which is also bad for sleeping.
Other foods that contain unacceptable levels of sleep stopping energy include:
- The flesh of all beasts
- Processed Snacks
- Fermented water, such as found in beer and wine
- Iced creams and other frozen novelties
"What's left to eat?" you may be asking.
That may not be the answer you were wanting or willing to hear, but it is the answer that I have given you and therefore the true answer. How do I know this? The mushrooms themselves have told me.
Simply avoid all non-mushroom based foods and you will sleep better than a baby. Even though often times babies are terrible sleepers and they are not a good example for indicating how well one has slept it is the commonly used phrase for indicating that you have slept well.
Why is this the case? I must confess that I no longer know. I used to know, but now I do not. The slang of your people is too perplexing to me. I am used to the straightforward language of the mushroom people, not to the insipid kennings of common humans.
However, if you are having trouble sleeping, sleeping like a baby- once you get used to it- can be an improvement and is often the first step to proper rest.
Ideally, one would sleep like an adult. An Ultra Violet adult. If that were the case, you would be well rested and writing advice columns from the comfort of your home instead of being exhausted and reading them from your room in the boarding house while drinking store-brand instant coffee and wondering where your life went.
2. Get A White Noise Machine
This machine must be a white noise machine. The other types of noise machines will be much too raucous. Only the dull, insipid tones of a white noise machine can properly lull a person like you into something that resembles sleep.
3. Do not Make Babies
Aside from being inherently awful at sleeping, babies are a well-known cause of sleep troubles. If you already have babies, the only thing you can do is wait. Sooner or later they will be stolen by local owls and forced to work in their mines or they will grow up and start keeping their sleep troubles to themselves. Either way, your baby related troubles will have sorted themselves out.
If you do not have babies, skip right to the next tip. Come back and read this tip if you find yourself with a baby.
4. Stop Believing Your Problems and Aspirations Are Worth The Sort Of Attention You Give Them
Most of you complain sleep will not come because your head is too busy thinking. This is nonsense. Sleep will not come because you do not know how to make it do so. You cannot just lie there and expect sleep to come. You must lull it in and allow it to be comfortable inside of you, only then will sleeping be an option for either of you.
It is also nonsense that the head of an ordinary person could be capable of thinking the type of thoughts that could be described as "busy" or "important". If you insist on thinking that the world has chosen you alone to be special and important to the point where mentally going over your actions with a fine toothed comb every night for hours instead of giving into a naturally occurring biological process is a hobby of yours there is no way to reasonably solve your sleep issues. You will have to do more than read advice columns, you will have to seek the advice of experts, such as myself, in person. Send me an email and we can discuss making this real for you. My rates are reasonable, yet my time is valuable.
Not the kind that your "Medical Doctor" will give you or that your mother tells you Aunt Susan is taking, these monstrosities will do nothing for you.
You need the sort of pills that are labeled "Organic", "All Natural", or "Homeopathic". The bottles should have leaves on them to indicate how natural plastic bottles of condensed and compacted, unregulated plant matter can appear to be. The label should also say they are designed for helping you fall asleep and not for riding oneself of internal parasites. Pills are made for many varied conditions and cannot be taken blindly.
6. Grow Up and Become An Ultra Violet Adult.
Once you are able to do this, you will sleep and dream as never before.
7. Listen To My Podcast "The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow's Sonic Blast Of Wisdom Featuring Me or My Underlings"
Sometimes I am too busy to record my podcast. That does not mean you should be denied my Sonic Blasts. When I am too busy, I simply instruct one of my underlings to record it for me. This episode one of them reads the introduction to my book "What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You." to you. Feel free to listen to it while going to bed. Be sure to put it on repeat so that it will ooze into your mind all night long.
There! That didn't hurt so much did it? No, it hurt only the correct amount. What are you still doing awake? Shouldn't you be enjoying a fantastic tip-induced sleep? You have two bonus tips for a total of seven tips in all. That's more than enough tips for most. Two more than average. Any more tips would be confusing and unsafe to you. Be happy with what you have and you will no longer need my tips.
His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.
When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.
Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and, is The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.
In addition to creating a system of self-improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and e-book formats.