Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic September 2017

Dear Merwin,
Why are cats so afraid of cucumbers? I watch a lot of stuff online and saw like bazillions of cats freaking out when they saw them. I don't like vegetables either, but c'mon.

Lilly in Lillydale

Dear Lilly,
Good question! I went to the Catstral Plane and took a survey of 100 cats and asked them your question. Here's the breakdown:

90% were just trying to get on YouTube
3% had bad kittenhood experiences with salad
7% were high as a kite on nip

Mystery solved!

Dear Merwin,
I have a really weird pet hamster. It has red eyes and smokes cigarettes. Last week I caught it watching Riverdale, that kinda creepy TV show about Archie Comics.

Yesterday I noticed my daughter was missing but there was a tiny sports car parked out front of our house.

I got the hamster because these things are not supposed to act like that.

How can I get my daughter back?

Larry in Larston

Dear Larry,

Listen to me Larry, listen real good, ya hear? Good. Now listen. Ain't no hamster, Larry, just ain't. It's in your mind, boy- all of it. The hamster, the daughter, the sports car- all just in your mind, man. Just relax. Take some Vitamin C, maybe some OJ. It'll wear off soon enough. Let go, it's the only way. You gotta just lean into it, dig? Alright. You'll be fine.


Dear Merwin,

I recently started school (online) and am thinking of majoring in animal communications since you've been my hero for, like, 4 months.

My question is: Do I have a future in this field or should I just give up now and start making babies? My mom needs to know by Monday, because that's when the tuition is due.

Terry in Terranceville

Wow! I wish I could help you, but I'm a pet psychic, not a human psychic. That being said, here's some advice that helped me through animal communications school:

1. It takes a while to learn new things, so don't rush. Take your time and really learn it.
2. Buy used text books to save a ton of money- or better yet, rent them.
3. There's no way to be wrong as a pet psychic. No matter what you say, the human client will never be able to tell if you're lying or not. When in doubt, bring up Atlantis. People are fools for that jazz.

Good Luck!

Dear Merwin,
I have a goldfish named Zelda. I named her myself after a crossword puzzle answer. She's been sleeping for about 5 days now and I'm starting to get worried. I'm sure she's dreaming and was wondering if you wouldn't mind popping into one of them and checking on her.

Ronald in Rutland

Dear Ronald,
I am sorry to inform you that your fish is not sleeping, it expired. By expired, I mean it's dead. While this news may sadden you, Zelda was 49 years old and that's pretty good for a fish. The spirit of Zelda has returned to her true home in Atlantis. She is very happy and wants you to know she feels very lucky about the nearly 5 decades of companionship she shared with you.

Please accept my condolences for your loss and think about taking some basic adult education courses that I'm sure are available at your local community college. It might help you understand the world around you a little bit better.


Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn't start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.

He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at "The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack".

If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: