The Page Five Tools
Byline: Two jerks
Dateline: In the last mess we made
What follows is a transcript of the voice mail left for the SEG article submission line:
Male Voice: Salutations, SEG-ger Monkeys, it’s totally your old pals, Gary Morgan...
Female Voice: ...and Stephanie Llewellyn. We got married, ha ha ha. Human people switch names when they get the married. This week we bring you the real ghouls. Us, ha ha ha. You want to hear about the real monsters tormenting the world? It’s us. We suck, ha ha ha.
MV: We act like we wanna save the world and junk, but we don’t tell you who we’re saving it for or from. But what we really do, is whatever the fuck we want.
FV: We’ll ride into battle with a host of demons on one side and a tarrasque on the other. Little kobold monkeys doing whatever I tell them. ‘Hey, stupid kobold, go make shoes out of fae flesh and sell them on Etsy, because mean skeleton man won’t feed us the steady diet of roach dicks and cat turds we crave. Nay, we demand!’
MV: Hey, this is Gary, and my favorite thing is to eat is roach dicks.
Background voice: <muffled> She already did the roach dicks.
FV: This is Stephanie, guys, my favorite pastime is to hot box a Snuggie, I call it a Dutch Toaster.
MV: Hey, Gary, again, I’m the one who coined the derogatory term for Bigfoots that stayed behind on Earth; Bigfoot Littleballs.
MV: Yeah...so like...this is our weekly submission for our dumb article. Take all of it down word for word.
FV: Even that part.
MV: Yeah. And that part too.
FV: And that part.
MV: This could go on forever. You know what we’re talking about. We know you’re gonna print it all too because you always print every stupid word we say in your lame magazine full of hosers.
FV: Except for Hugo.
MV: Yeah, Hugo I guess.
FV: He helped me through my fifth divorce, eh?
MV:<muffled> Beauty ad lib.
FV: <muffled> I know it just <back on mic> came off the top…<muffled whisper> the top of my head.
MV: The judge threw the case out because he sympathized too much with her husband.
FV: Take off, did not.
MV: Did too, I got the transcripts right here <paper rustling> And I quote, ‘Stephanie Morgan should not be allowed among polite society,’ end quote. QED, loser.
FV: You’re such a liar. That’s your betting form from the track, hoser.
MV: Is not. Gambling is for losers like you.
FV: <muffled> you’re supposed to be Gary Llewellyn.
MV: Oh yeah. I’m Gary Llewellyn and I have a crippling gambling addiction, eh?
FV: And booze.
MV: Right. Booze too.
FV: And pills.
MV: Yeah, I don’t even look at them before I take them.
FV: He swallows them dry, too.
MV: They could be Flintstones chewables for all I know.
FV: They are.
MV: No way, eh? I’m hardcore.
FV: Yeah, right.
MV: What about you? I saw those kobolds carrying you behind the army on one of those bed things like you’re Cleopatra or something.
Background voice: <muffled> monsters, you guys.
MV: That’s right our dumb article is supposed to be about monsters.
FV: And not about how much drugs you do or how many shady people you know.
MV: Or how, even if you’re thrown into a horrible situation you still always walk away the pampered princess.
FV: Right, so like, Mr. Bigfoot, sir. What’s it like being a Bigfoot?
MV: <in a guttural voice> It sucks, eh?
FV: I bet. Do you condition? You should think about conditioning. You have so many split ends.
MV: <guttural> Thanks,eh? You saved my life. Hey, Bigfoot Bro? You gotta smoke? Sure. Want to get shit faced? Thought you’d never ask, eh?
FV: Wow, you’re like a one man show. You don’t even need me.
MV: That’s true, you suck. This was always a one man show.
FV: Take off.
MV: I have no idea why Uncle Mark, saddled me with you.
Background voice: I think it’s Mork.
FV: Yeah, it’s Mork.
MV: That’s what I said. Mork.
MV: You can’t prove it.
FV: We’re recording this. I can just listen to it.
MV: That would be you digitally altering the tape to make me look bad.
FV: You wish. Come Saturday, everyone will see I’m right and you’ll owe me money.
MV: I didn’t make a bet with you.
FV: Now you’re going to welsh on it?
MV: My name is Llewellyn and I find that culturally insensitive.
FV: My name is Morgan so I can say stuff like that.
MV: Well, then you’ll welsh on the bet too, so there’s no bet. Which there never was in the first place.
FV: Take off.
MV: You take off.
FV: No, you…