We just about made it through the hell days of summer, so now it's time to start complaining about how it's getting colder and colder all the time as the days get shorter and the nights go on forever. It's just great, isn't it? A miracle, really. No. Really.
The Sun enters Virgo this month, why I'll never know. Whorego is more like it. Whatever, I'm too busy to get all basic on this.
Here's this month's message from the heavens:
Aries- You Ram heads might notice your blood beginning to thicken and you might even be tempted to chalk it up to the changing seasons, but this has nothing to do with the seasons and everything to do with Mars entering a blood thickening contest to raise awareness for Athlete's Taint. Be sure to keep moving if you want to survive.
Taurus- While the Sun enters Virgo (yuck.) you are probably going to be entering a contest or an emotionally draining and unrewarding loveless marriage- the stars are fuzzy on this. Either way though, wearing clean underpants can't hurt.
Gemini- Your sign and Virgo's share Mercury as a ruler. That means you're pretty much a Virgo in waiting. I'd keep waiting if I were you.
Cancer- All those years of being haunted by the fear of never becoming who you are get resolved next week around Wednesday when you discover your true identity as someone who constantly worries about never becoming who they really, truly are is what you really, truly are.
Don't accept it all at once, leave some work for the booze to do.
Leo- Virgo energy likes to complain a lot, just like you. It's also smelly, like you- and no one likes it, not even Virgos. What's this mean for you Leos this month? I don't know. What I do know isn't something that will likely help you out, so I'll keep it to myself.
Whorego- With the sun entering you and your sign over and over again, everything will be outstanding and perfect. This won't change the fact that you're still a Virgo. In fact, you'll never be able to change that. Only you think there's no problem with that.
Libra- The stars have only six words for you Libras this month: High Speed Hot Air Balloon Chase.
They said you'd know what it means.
Scorpio- Jealous about Libra's horoscope? Don't worry, "high-speed hot air balloon chase" isn't code for some steamy act of hanky panky, but it could be if your heart's in the right place late in the month and you don't mind spending your savings on what appears to be a sack of flavorless beans.
Sagittarius- With the Sun in Virgo, it has no time to return your calls. You'll wish you had a bow and arrow on the 17th.
Capricorn- Tired of being called "Crap E. Corn"? It'll get hilarious again, trust me. For now, focus on your inner beauty.
Aquarius- Time for an oil change. Not the oil in your car. Not the oil in your motorcycle either. The stars are talking about the oil in your robotic mate. If you don't have a robotic mate then take the phrase "oil change" metaphorically.
Pisces- Oddly enough your horoscope hasn't changed much since last month. Don't blame me, you should have done better.