October is here and with it Pumpkin Spice! I'm not a fan of that stuff myself, but I have to admit that it works great in my new fall line of foot-made lotions. Have you tried "Stella's Pumpkin Spice Face Moisturizer"? You can get it from my Etsy shop. It's a little-known fact that how much fall lotion you use is directly proportionate to the amount of positive stellar energy you're able to absorb. Don't forget to grab some of my Pumpkin Spice Facial Toner while you're there, it's for your own good.
October is also the time of Libra, the sign of balance. Everyone needs more balance in their lives, so it's a good thing that the sun will be pummeling us with Libra vibes for a while. It's the energy you need to balance making a new logo for your column with your drinking habits. Balance, am I right? You can balance all kinds of things. You can, for example, balance your prescription medications with your all natural "meds" so you don't end up melting down on a podcast, getting sent to rehab, and being put on a calmative as a condition of keeping your current job, like what happened to my friend, Alice.
That's enough about Alice and her bad habits, let's see what the stars have in store for you this month:
Aries- You'll find yourself balancing your checkbook while juggling atop a unicycle before you know it if you allow yourself to go running around improperly moisturized.
Taurus- Libras and you horn heads share Venus as a ruler. That means you'll both get the exact same measurements come late next week when you try to measure the distance between yourself and the stop sign at the corner.
Gemini- You have two heads. Let some air out of the one, and put it in the other until they are the same size. Balance. B-A-L-A-N-C-E.
Cancer- Family and home are your sign's main concerns. This month it's important to stay slathered in fall scented lotion in order to insulate yourself from the screaming that always happens at the end of the month.
Leo- Libra energy is all about seeing every side and doing what's best for all those involved. Your sign (it's Leo) is self-centered and hogs all the attention that's available. What's this mean? It means lotion up, bitch, 'cause your sign is about to get balanced.
Virgo- Your sign is ruled by Mercury. Not cool, fun, let's party Gemini Mercury, but the "Gotta get home to the loveless marriage and 3 bratty kids." stick in the mud Mercury. You can and should try fixing this with a new lotion, but don't get your hopes up.
Libra- The Belle of the Zodiac for this time of year. To celebrate the good job you've been doing with balancing everything, every Libra is going to get $4,000 from the universe before the 18th.
Scorpio- Your sign is ruled by Pluto and is associated with death. Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of enjoying life. Plus, it's fall, which means the days get shorter and pumpkin spice everything is everywhere. Use this to your advantage. Cover yourself in the darkness and cloak yourself in the aroma of the season. Now there is nowhere you can't go; no one who is off limits to you.
Sagittarius- Jupiter, your ruling planet, is good friends with Venus, the ruling planet of Libra. This doesn't help you out one bit unless you're covered head to toe in foot-made- pumpkin spice lotions and dripping with fall scented toner. I am not kidding about this.
Capricorn- This time it's real. That's all you need to know. That's all I can say.
Aquarius- Well, the party had to end sometime didn't it? Can't expect sex robot batteries to last forever.
Pisces- This month is a terrible time to appear as a guest on a podcast. It would be much better for you to appear in court, on time, on the 15th instead, like the papers say.