Page Five Ghouls - November 18th, 2017

Tonight We Undine in Germany

Byline: Gary Llewellyn
Dateline: November 18th, 2017

The trail of Alwyn has led us to Germany. Germany has lots of crazy stuff because Germans are crazy and crazy attracts crazy. When monsters move into a region, it’s usually because they are attracted to the people. Or more specifically, attracted to the collective psychology of an area. An industrious, work-driven people attract industrious, work driven monsters. So you’ll find things like kobolds in Germany. This is a symbiosis, however. Creatures who move into a region attracted to one specific feature of the region's psychology can often pick up new traits as a result of constant exposure. Take, for instance, the Undine, not to be confused with their racial subset, the mermaid. Undines were here frolicking in the waters of Germany long before the monkey folk migrated out of Olduvai and started shitting on everything. Some of these monkeys settled in western Europe and never saw the sun again. After millennia of sunless gloom, they began to lose pigment and began clapping on 1 and 3. Winters can get pretty long and rough here. The whole hunter-gatherer gig wasn’t panning out, so they had to turn to agriculture and animal husbandry.

While this may sound like a sweetly promising development, it nurtured some of the more bullshit human characteristics. Agriculture requires one become stationary for long periods of time. Gone were the days of roaming the land hunting mammoths and picking berries. Now you had to live in a box forever and watch shit grow. With that came the accumulation of junk. Junk to be coveted, because god forbid someone got inside your box and stole your junk. People also began to become concerned about what would happen to all the shit they accumulated in their little boxes after they died. What’s the point of amassing piles of crap if every Oog, Og and Ug can just grab it all after you’re dead? This brings us to animal husbandry. There was a time where humans would just fuck each other willy-nilly, because why not? Babies just happened, as far they knew. With animal husbandry, people began to notice when the black Aurox bangs the white Aurox a bunch of little black and white Aurox popped out. ‘Ah-ha,’ said Grok, ‘This is where babies come from.’ Now, due to agriculture, Grok was supremely concerned about where all the shiny rocks he collected would go after he died. Now, he had his answer. 'It will go to the child I put in a Grokette’s belly.' ‘But,’ Grok thought, ‘How will I know if that’s my child in Grokette’s belly if downtime is just a non-stop orgy?’ Grok decided, the only way to be sure, was to lock Grokette away with his stone collection and make sure no one else was able to put babies in her belly. How does one convince the rest of tribe that orgies will no longer be tolerated? Well, you bake it into your bullshit religion. It’s hard to argue with a guy you can’t see and apparently makes electricity shoot from the sky when he’s pissed. That’s right Og, it’s a dude now, stop jerking off to your Venus of Willendorf and start collecting more stones for me. The new dude god hates sex and loves work, especially if you’re working for the guy who already has more shiny stones than he knows what to do with. The new bro god says female genitals are to be kept like property with the stones you plan on giving to the babies you’re pumping into her. Drill home the fact that having sex when bro god isn’t watching is shameful for Grokette, but not possessing your very own baby machine is shameful for Grok. Teach Grokette that her genitals are to be kept in mint condition in the original packaging, so it retains its value, until Grok puts in the highest bid and you undergo some bullshit ceremony that lets bro god watch you bang. Sex without bro god watching devalues Grokette’s genitals, making her a worthless pariah. Grok can get away with it, though, as long as Grokette’s vagina wasn’t already owned.

What’s this have to do with Undines? Undines are water nymphs that take on the form of a human female. They lack souls until they marry a Grok and bear him children. Like I said, monsters are just as much a product of human psychology as we are of theirs.

Undinal Songs Urge the Sailors On

Byline: Stephanie Morgan
Dateline: November 18th, 2017

Heya, SEG-ers, I’m back in Germany. The last time I was here I needed tetanus shots from nixie bites. Today, we met some Undines. These water spirits are said to have no souls until they bear a child for a human male. I don’t know about souls, but what they did seem to have in spades was freedom. Nobody telling them how they should look or live. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all gloom and doom for an Undine that chooses to have a family. If the husband cheats, he’ll suddenly find himself with the inability to breathe without thinking about it. This usually results in suffocating in one’s sleep. There’s actually a medical condition named for this, Ondine’s Curse, where one has no involuntary control over their respiration.

The thing I found the most fascinating was their singing. It was like Sia and Cecilia Bartoli had a little singing water nymph together. I could have stayed and listened all day. Gary had a somewhat different reaction. He almost drowned twice and we had to stuff his noise canceling earbuds in his ears just to get back to the hotel. Apparently, the singing of Undines gives human males impulse control issues. Of course, it’s the Undine’s fault, right? So beautiful. Can’t control wang. Like Gary said, monsters are just as much a reflection of us as we are of them. I’ll cut Gary some slack on this one. Undines are legit magical.