The Answer, My Friends, is Blowin’ in the Wind
Byline: Stephanie Morgan
Dateline: December 30th, 2017
Heya, SEG-ers! Were you guys expecting a big explosive Hollywood finale? I have to be honest- the actual battle was pretty meh. Mostly zombies milling around and Alwyn made himself disappear in a flash of light. Pretty weaksauce. I present here a transcript of my interview with those most affected by this terrible event. The zombies.
Citizen Z: The Untold Story of the Real Victims of Alwyn Morgan
<cue> ‘It’s the time...for the season of loving’
<cut to shaky Gopro footage of someone walking up to a zombie>
SM: Can I ask you a question?
SM: Why did you guys turn on Alwyn?
Zombie: I don’t know. I saw everybody else doing it and figured that was the thing now.
SM: Is that how you decide who you’re going to follow?
Zombie: I admit it has its shortcomings.
SM: What about you?
Wight: Well, Alwyn is rubbish, init? I mean, he uses you up than he throws you away. You seemed like a clear, hopeful alternative.
SM: I’m not an alternative. As soon as I take care of Alwyn, it’s no more undead for me.
Wight: That’s the alternative.
<off camera> Here, here.
Yes, quite right.
SM: What are you all going to do after that?
Wight: Go back to the graves where we belong.
SM: All of you? Are all of you going to want to go back? Willingly? Peacefully?
Wight: Well, see that skeleton over there wearing another bloke’s skull as helmet? <camera swings, showing a large skeleton with a double skull> That’s Bad Benji. He might give you a bit of a go, but other than that, yeah, I think most agree undeath is terrible.
<quick cut of Bad Benji being dragged out of a Long John Silver by a SWAT team>
<cut back to Gopro footage>
Woman, holding a picket sign and shouting: No more undead taking jobs from the living
SM: Ma’am, could I ask a quick question?
SM: Have you personally experienced the undead taking jobs from you or your loved ones?
SM: Have you heard about it?
Woman: No. How dare you? I’m here to speak my mind and be heard. Don’t infringe on my first amendment rights!
SM: I’m not, in fact. I’m filming a documentary. Lots of people will get to hear what you have to say.
Woman: You can’t film what I’m saying and broadcast it to anybody you want.
<struggling - footage ends>
Time is On My Side
Byline: Gary Llewellyn
Dateline: December 30th, 2017
So, I was floating through Everyhow, when it hit me. When I get back to Everywhen, I’m going to start a melodeath band called Slaves in the Fourth Dimension. So I did. Or I assume I did. When I got back, our first EP ‘Entropy for You and Me’ (available on cassette from Kenbro) went triple platinum about four kilometers over there. We even won a Grammy for best classical recording because that’s how sick our shit is. I can’t wait to hear it. So here I am, jamming with the band, tight as fuck, and just as we hit the heaviest part of ‘You’re a Child of Chaos (Because Your Mama’s So Fat She Collapses the Wave Function Into Every Possibility)’ and who shows up? Goodbye, Alwyn Morgan, have fun. I forgot who the guy was for a second, I was so busy rockin’ faces. I was supposed to do something with the guy, but that was several hundred kilometers ago, back where I wasn’t a fifth dimensional metal lord. We should cover Age of Aquarius. All I can remember is I don’t like the guy and I trust myself. I’m a decent fellow. He’ll have been wearing some sort of glowing disco medallion. Instincts kicked in and I yanked it off his neck. It was pure instinct, I didn’t actually want the janky piece of shit.
‘I recognize that thing he’s wearing,’ I will think as I examined it having been dangling from my hand, ‘That’s how he got here. If I can get it away from him I can trap him here.’
“Please, old man,” I said, holding it, watching it turn on its chain, “I have three of these.”
‘The chain is thin. Just yank it off his neck,’ I’m thinking. ‘He just got here. He doesn’t know how this place works. Just snag it from him, he doesn’t even know you already took it.’
“Do you even know what to do with that?” Alwyn said.
‘I don’t have the slightest idea,’ I was thinking, as I looked up from the guitar and beheld an apparition I hadn’t seen in years, ‘What was his name?’
‘I have no idea,’ I will say to myself, ‘I have no idea what it does, but I know you need it, if that’s what it does. I can use it the same way. Get myself out and lock him in. So what am I waiting for?’ I will have been asking myself, ‘Just snatch his bling off that cheap chain.’
I had been putting it around my neck and will say the dickadeedoo have had returned to the land of linear time.
It took a few days to get used to time doing the moving for me, again, but it was welcome. It was a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. Alwyn gets to live there. I suppose there are worse fates. He’s got the cred to start a Scandinavian black metal outfit. The husk he left behind somehow sustains itself without assistance and nobody wants to put it down. It’s costing the Morgans an arm and a leg to keep that moldy avocado fresh. One last middle finger to the people who, for some reason, still gave a shit about him.