Hello wisdom-teers. Where did 2017 go? I have been busy writing books, innovating the advice column industry, becoming a webmaster, establishing a Twitter initiative, and still finding time to meet with my paying clients.
I thought we'd take a look back on the journey we've shared together. Let us start at the beginning in order to avoid confusing yourself:
Dear The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,
I am 11 years old and love your column and books. My parents gave me all your books after they bought them and didn’t like them. I want to be just like you when I grow up. Do you have any advice for me?
L'il Life Coach
You are already 11 years old and have yet to be abandoned by your parents. I doubt you have been trained as a shaman either. If you want to follow in my footsteps you will need a time machine to correct your parent's mistake of not stranding you in the jungle.
Failing a time machine you must do this- you must run away from your home and its parents. Only when you are free of their oppressive grasp will you begin to grow.
If you can or will not leave the sociopaths that own you, you can read my upcoming book “What’s Wrong With Me? The Hugo Holmesnow Story.” In it you will read about the pain I endured to become the powerful being I am today. My pain is not your pain, but it is better than no pain.
That was all the way back in January. February brought this gem of a letter into all our lives. Remember?
Dear Dr. Hugo,
I bought your book “What is Wrong With You” and read the entire thing. I didn’t really find out anything about what was wrong with me, only stuff about the things that have caused me to have things wrong with me. Puzzled by this phenomenon, I bought your second book “Conquer Your Dreams” and read that one too. I didn't really learn how to do anything from that book, only that it is bad to have dreams and want to do something with your life.
I already felt this way before I bought and read your books. I felt and feel worse now than I did before I read them. Are you coming out with a third book? If so, I’ll buy it and read it but doubt it will help me.
What should I do?
I wish I could thank you for buying and reading my books, but I can’t. I can’t because you did not address your letter properly. If you read my last advice column, you would have noticed that confused people address me as the “Rev. Dr. Holmesnow", not “Dr. Hugo”.
It is improper of you to assume such blatant familiarity with me. Have you ever heard of transference? I didn’t think so. It is something that happens where clients fall in love with me because I am fixing their lives for them. The only way this can be stopped is by using a formal means of addressing me. This makes our roles in each other’s lives clear and implies romantic nonsense should not happen. You have muddied those sacred waters.
By using such a casual tone, I assume you have fallen in love with me. I cannot return your love. The love of someone who refuses the help I offer through my books, advice columns, and other ways is no good to me. If you truly care about me, you will at least respect this.
Also, it has been customary for some time to sign your letter with a clever phrase that spells something that ideally amuses me. Failing that, you should at least endeavor to sign your letter with an adverb or similarly-functioning word.
For example, last time someone had a terrible problem and asked for my advice, they signed that letter “Confused”.
You signed yours “Tom”.
See? Do you see the difference between the ways of letter signing that are available to you?
It’s not that I cannot help you, I can. It is just that I will not.
I suggest that you review the information that I have bestowed upon you and try writing me again. Perhaps, if I am satisfied with your progress, I will help you then.
I was going to help another person but I am now too exhausted after trying to explain to you why I will not (not cannot) help you at this time.
Well done, “Tom”. Not only did you fail to receive help, you ruined this week’s column, not only for yourself- but for all of my readers and myself as well.
It warmed my heart to find in March's column that others were just as upset at Tom as I was:
Dear Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,
Long time reader, first time writer. I just had to write and say something about last month's column. It made me so angry to see you disrespected by "Tom" that I had to write in and say something.
I agree 100% with how you handled the situation. I only wish you could meet him in person and settle his hash with a traditional beating- like how you describe it in your upcoming book "What is Wrong With Me? The Hugo Holmesnow Story."
There are so many good parts in your as of yet to be published book, that I had a difficult time choosing just one part. I also had no idea that you remember being in the womb. Wow! You really are as amazing as you say you are.
The only fools in April were the ones who were ignoring my wisdom. I played a trick and answered questions from the reader. Clever, Clever.
Q. Dear Reader(s),
I will not try to be polite to you in the introduction of this letter that I am writing to you to ask you for something. Not just something, but a free something. That's my question. Tell me why I am expected to give my wisdom and healing methods away for free to those who have not even read my books?
A. Dear Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow,
We're (I'm) sorry for not understanding that your time is more valuable than our (my) pretty problem. I (we) will make up for it by purchasing your books and sending emails to the editor of this website telling him how angry we are that A. Wizard got a podcast and all you got is a group of barely functioning trainables sending you letters day and night begging to be made whole. As though whole-ness can be transmitted via advice columns.
I will provide one more question and answer for you out of the kindness of what remains of my heart.
Another Q. Dear Reader(s),
Hey there, Pal. Greetings Chum! Good evening, Sweet Cheeks.
Are you offended yet? You no doubt have a name. A real name. You might even have a title. A title you spent months training for and are proud of. A title like "Assistant Manager" or "Customer Retention Agent"? It's exciting to be an agent!
Granted, they are not the best titles a person could have, but they still mean you have done something and that something should be recognized by adding it to your name.
It is called respect.
Another A. Dear Rev. Dr. Holmesnow,
You are right. We (I) apologize for asking you for free advice via this column instead of buying your books.
There, was that so hard to do? I hope it was not, but I know that it was.
My books can be found on Amazon. I can monitor the sales numbers, so your lies are ineffective.
Who could forget this May when I announced my first major disruption to advice column industry?
A Brief Review Of How A Traditional Life Changing Advice Column Works
1. You, the reader, recognize that you have a problem you are unwilling to solve for yourself.
2. You, the reader, then proceed to look around at advice columns and choose who you want to bother. This is where I come in. As you are reviewing your options for which advice columnist you want to bother, you decide that I am the naturally superior choice.
3. You then proceed to write your letter to me, taking care to follow ALL of the mandatory suggestions for how I am to be addressed.
4. Mail (or email) your letter. The whole process depends on you doing this correctly. Stamps do not go on emails. I will not say this again.
5. I read your letter and craft an answer which will change and/or save your life.
6. Your life is saved and/or changed.
A Brief Explanation of How The Non-Traditional Life Altering Advice Disbursement Channel Functions
1. You, the reader, recognize that you have a problem you are unwilling to solve for yourself.
2. You, the reader, then proceed to look around at advice columns and choose who you want to bother. This is where I come in. As you are reviewing your options for which advice column you want to bother, you decide that I am the naturally superior choice.
NOTE: I am aware that the first two steps in both processes are identical. This is as it should be. The differences come in later steps. Continue reading now:
3. Since I am not allowed to receive my mail on account my name and reputation are being dragged through the mud and sullied without any good reason, I must find another way to receive your problems. I have found a way, just as I knew I would.
My spirit is indomitable. That is to say my spirit never loses or gives up.
Instead of mailing me your letters, you now just open your mind to me on the Astral Plane and I will visit you and we will handle your situation.
4. When I return from the Astral Plane, I will write a reply to your letter.
5. I will publish my Life Altering Advice to you.
6. You will read my advice and notice your life has been saved and/or changed.
That is all there is to it.
The summer was a little bare, until I made this startling discovery about myself in July:
:::::Attention!::::Big News Regarding the Future of humanity!::::Breaking News!::::
::::We Interrupt Your Personal Growth and Healing to Announce A Better Way For Me To Facilitate Your Personal Growth And Healing!::::
The Disgrace of The Indigo, Crystal, and Rainbow Child Movement
Are you or someone you know an Indigo, Crystal, or a Rainbow Child? I used to think I was all of those all at once, but I have seen through my ignorance. I cannot believe I functioned under the delusion that I was somehow special because I was something as common as an Indigo/Crystal/Rainbow Child.
I, too, can be wrong sometimes. It does not happen often but I am strong enough to admit my errors. You know this about me, as I have just revealed it to you. This is not all I'm about to reveal to you.
Continue reading and revelations will happen...
Last night as I was preparing to enter the astral realm and solve your problems with my unique, revolutionary, and disruptive advice column methods and techniques, I stopped. Something felt wrong. I had the compulsion to enter my private meditation octagonal pyramid and meditate instead of entering my silver-lined rose quartz dodecca-hedral travel cave.
While I was expertly meditating I received notification from my spirit guide, Morewin, that there is a new and more advanced version of the ape we call the human being. Something better, more special, and powerful than a common Indigo, Crystal, or Rainbow Child. I have named this next version of humanity the "Ultra Violet Adult" and I am happy to inform you that I am one.
August found me writing you a lullaby in the form of five tips- here's the first:
Five Tips For Falling Asleep If You Are Not An Ultra Violet Adult (plus two bonus tips).
1. Change The Foods You Eat
Not all foods are the same after you swallow them, only some foods are. Some foods are even different from each other before you swallow them. This is the case with most foods. This should be common knowledge but the government has been suppressing it for centuries. That the government suppresses knowledge should not be surprising to you as that is actual common knowledge and not something that should be common knowledge but isn't due to government suppression.
Each food item that you stuff into your face has an unique energy signature. If you are having trouble sleeping, the energy signature of your food may not be helping.
For example, did you know that foods such as coffee and soda pops contain something called "caffeine" which has an energy signature that will stop sleep from occurring in most humans? It also induces an anxious state in many people, which is also bad for sleeping.
Other foods that contain unacceptable levels of sleep stopping energy include:
- The flesh of all beasts
- Processed Snacks
- Fermented water, such as found in beer and wine
- Iced creams and other frozen novelties
"What's left to eat?" you may be asking.
That may not be the answer you were wanting or willing to hear, but it is the answer that I have given you and therefore the true answer. How do I know this? The mushrooms themselves have told me.
Simply avoid all non-mushroom based foods and you will sleep better than a baby. Even though often times babies are terrible sleepers and they are not a good example for indicating how well one has slept it is the commonly used phrase for indicating that you have slept well.
Why is this the case? I must confess that I no longer know. I used to know, but now I do not. The slang of your people is too perplexing to me. I am used to the straightforward language of the mushroom people, not to the insipid kennings of common humans.
However, if you are having trouble sleeping, sleeping like a baby- once you get used to it- can be an improvement and is often the first step to proper rest.
Ideally, one would sleep like an adult. An Ultra Violet adult. If that were the case, you would be well rested and writing advice columns from the comfort of your home instead of being exhausted and reading them from your room in the boarding house while drinking store-brand instant coffee and wondering where your life went.
As you know, you are still busy reading September's, October's, and November's Editions. So there will be no reminiscing about those, I stopped getting paid 2000 words ago.
When next my words drift through your mind it will be a new year, but will it be a "You Year"?
Here is a podcast:
His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.
When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.
Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and is now The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.
In addition to creating a system of self-improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and e-book formats.