Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet, Pet Psychic February 2018

Dear Merwin,
I'm in a long distance thing with a cat named Rodger, he's orange. I'm currently serving time for a crime I didn't commit, just like everyone else here. We met through "Pets For Pigs", a non-profit group that matches violent offenders with homeless animals.
Since I'm not allowed to have a pet, or much of anything, our relationship is long distance. He can't even visit me because my prison doesn't allow non-human visitors, plus he's not allowed to drive.
We really get along well, all things considered, but I think he might be thinking about leaving me. He calls less and less and he hasn't sent me a photo in months. It's only 15 years until I'm eligible for parole and I was hoping we could start a life together, but now I'm not sure I even want to live that long because he's breaking my heart. What can or should I do?

Sincerely ,
Sarah in Schenectady

Dear Sarah,
The average life expendancy of an indoor cat is only 11-17 years. It's worse if they only live outside, then it's 4-5 years. When I met Rodger, he told me he was currently 7. If you know how to do some math, you'll be able to see that unless you break out of jail in the next year or so, chances are slim that you and Rodger will ever have a life together. Maybe you should have thought about that before you did those things you did, you monster.

As Always, I Remain,

Dear Merwin,
Hi! I got the Kenbro Ant Farm v. Sea Monkey kit for Christmas and it's awesome!! I do have one tiny problem with the set though- they won't fight! No matter what I do, they keep getting along. Right now, I think they are teaming up to start a space program. That's cool and all, but I want to watch them go at it, not be nice to each other.

What can I do to get them to do what the box said they would do?
Lil' Chuck

Dear Lil' Chuck,
That's quite the problem you have there little fella! I did some research, since insects can't be reached on the Catstral Plane, due to the fact that insects aren't animals- they're insects. So I did the next best thing- internet research. There are a few things that can cause the bugs in these kits to work together instead of waging war. The first thing to check is their moral and religious leanings. You should have introduced them to diametrically opposed viewpoints. For example the ants could be Scientologists and the Sea Monkeys could be Lutheran. That would have done it for sure.

The second thing to check is the resource levels. Do both sides have enough of everything they need without bothering each other for it? If so, you'll never start a war.

There are a few other reasons, but they require at least a B.A. in macro-economics to understand, so I'll leave you with this advice:
Teach them to make beer and wine.

As Always, I Remain,

Dear Merwin,
Can head lice be registered as a service animal? Asking for my mom.

Mel from Anchorage

Dear Mel,
No they can't be and no, I don't think that you were. Have you tried the Tide Pods challenge? I think you may the be good at it.
As Always, I Remain,

Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn't start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.

He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at "The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack".

If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: