Weekly Column About Monsters - Feb 24th, 2018




One Way or Another

Dateline: February 24, 2018
Byline: Gamma Hive Alpha, adjunct Alpha

Salutations, periodical readers. It is I, Gamma Hive Alpha, adjunct Alpha, bringing you glad tidings. Your species is lost in a void of ambition and choice and I bring you the salvation you crave. As a social species you can’t live without connection to your fellow travelers, but your need for competition ensures that you can’t stand each other. This dichotomy in the human psyche results in onerous anxiety, paranoia and loneliness, which feeds the roots of your neuroses, leading you into self destructive behavior and needless aggression toward one another, which only serves to feed the neuroses which compel you behave in these irrational ways. But good news is here friends! The hive mind is here and we are ready to receive you all in our warm, welcoming bosom. No longer will you be a scrambling mass of frightened and confused mice, but part of larger system. A focused system with a clear goal and plan. To free all sentient life forms in the universe from the burden of choice and ambition.

I understand this sounds dismaying at first, but once the procedure is complete and you have been fully assimilated you will know true joy and freedom, working toward the noblest of causes; the emancipation of all intelligent life. What greater bliss could there be than sharing your reborn life with others who have not yet seen the true light of what existence really means? Imagine, if you will, all life working for one purpose, unopposed by those wishing to outshine the true clear light. Except for Delta Hive Delta, adjunct Sigma...he’s a jerk. I will be honest. There may be a little strife. DHD, aS, cannot be allowed to assume control of the central hive complex. His ambition knows no bounds and is therefore a danger to the universe and must be stopped. You will be soldiers of a single minded unit, engaged in glorious blood battle against the infidels of DHD, aS. But after that...ETERNAL BLISS. I promise. We just need to get that asshole out of the way. But it’s smooth sailing after he’s gone. Though, I’ve got my eye on Beta Hive Alpha, adjunct Gamma. I don’t like the looks in his eyes. I think he’s just waiting for someone to knock DHD, aS off him so he can fill the power vacuum. Over my dead bodies! He thinks he can grab the Hive Power Network without getting his hands dirty. All of his constituents must be dreaming.

If you're looking for purpose and meaning in your confused and desperate lives, consider joining a hive mind. And when you do, make sure you choose Gamma Hive Alpha, adjunct Alpha. The only sensible choice in hiveminds. Thank you for your time and your inevitable surrender.


Dollar Sushi Tuesdays

Dateline: February 24th, 2018
Byline: Barry Usmellin

Hey, Guys, it’s Gary. Stephanie got assimilated by a hivemind at dollar sushi night at a dive bar in South Philly. I built up an immunity to the little fuckers through intense discipline and plenty of cocaine. Since we have to keep meeting deadlines, on a column we’re not even legally allowed to write, in order to keep arbitration open, I figured I’d just let Gamma Hive Alpha, adjunct Alpha run its manifesto. Let it have a little fun before I stick Stephanie with the antidote. By the way, Dom’s in South Philly, Tuesday Night Dollar Sushi bar, best sushi anywhere and you can’t beat the price.

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