A Word From Our Sponsor: The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow Presents: 5 Emails That Will Alter Your Life And They Are Free
WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THIS FREE OPPORTUNITY TO HELP YOURSELF?
I unleashed this free email course a few weeks ago and am disappointed in the number of sign-ups.
You have disappointed me. I know that you are not well, otherwise you would not be so interested in my theories and methods. Because you are not well, I am, out of the kindness of my heart, presenting you with a preview of my masterful course. Lesson one is here and ready for you. Once you have a taste, I am sure you will want to sign up. Lesson one is free, like lessons two, three, four, and five. It is presented here because you are already here. I have also provided a simple-to-use sign up form at the end. This will make it easy for even the laziest of you to make the right choice (the right choice is to sign up for the rest of the lessons.)
When you do sign up, do not be confused about receiving Lesson One again. This is normal. It is not a mistake.
How To Use This Month's Column
Step One: Read the entire column (in one sitting if possible)
Step Two: Use the embedded sign up form to sign up for the rest of the lessons.
Step Three: Refuse to become confused when you re-receive Lesson One. You don't have to re-read it, but you should.
Step Four: Tell your friends and insist that they too, sign up.
Dear Broken Soul,
Congratulations! Your life has gotten to the point where you expect automated emails to solve your problems! Fantastic. You have chosen well by choosing this email course. I know you seemingly have a lot of options when it comes to helpful email courses, but most of them are trash and are only useful to those who equate email alerts with happiness.
You are no longer one of those people. You are here now, with me. We are together and together we will skinnydip into your fractured psyche. We will probe your mind and soul, together, as one. We will do it five times. This is the first, you have four more to go.
You may be feeling a little bit of fear. This is normal. Fear always precedes the chance to evolve. I myself have spent a total of seven years in a state of abject terror which involved considerable amounts of drooling and pants-soiling before shattering my inner limits and becoming the Ultraviolet Adult and powerhouse of self-improvement that stands before you today.
Now, I am not by any means saying that you will shine as intensely and brightly as I do after you finish this course, but I can say with only a slight degree of doubt, that you WILL SHINE BRIGHTER AND STAND TALLER than you ever have before.
The amount of difference this makes to your life is entirely dependent on how tall and bright you are at this moment and how much brightness/height you gain from this course. It would be a good idea to take a moment right now to measure your current brightness and tallness levels and write them down. When you complete this course and have hung your certificate upon your wall, measure them again.
To find out how much you have gained from this course, simply subtract the first set of numbers from the second. This is called Science and Data and leads to objective facts that can't be argued with. Objectivity is only one tool in the tool chest of self-improvement. There are many others, so do not go out and buy a lab coat just yet. Or, if you do, don't talk about it too much. Trust me.
You may be wondering what you will learn, what wisdom you will acquire that will help you in your journey towards self-unfoldment from this course. That is a good thing to wonder, but wouldn't it be better if you knew? Knew for sure? I suggest you agree that it is. Wouldn't it be helpful if I were to tell you what we are going to talk about during this lesson? I think it would.
What You Are Going To Learn In This Lesson
During the course of the remainder of this lesson, you will learn several subheadings worth of wisdom. At first we will list them with few details, then we will extrapolate more wisdom from the list, and finally, we will end with suggested activities you can and should do on your own. I cannot be there with you as you complete your assigned assignments. I assume you know why.
A NOTE OF CAUTION BEFORE WE BEGIN
I know you are eager to evolve. I know your longing to self-improve burns with an unmatched brightness. You cannot be entirely blamed for this impulse. You cannot even be partially blamed for it. You can, however, be held responsible for it. And you will. The point I am making here is do not rush through these lessons. I am sending them to you once a day as a matter of convenience, not as a suggestion as to how fast you can or should chew, swallow, digest, and implement my wisdom. Flowers take time to grow no matter how often you yell at them to hurry up and while you are not a flower, you have several things in common with them. Taking time to grow no matter how much you are yelled at is one of those things you share in common with flowers.
INTRODUCING THIS LESSON'S
SUB-HEADINGS OF WISDOM
As you can tell from the above text formatting, the statement above is a heading. This is convenient as we can now confidently list this lesson's sub-headings:
The First Sub-Heading Of Wisdom: Why You Are Your Worst
Most people have skulls. Those that do are beyond lucky. If you have signed up for this free course and are capable of seeing these words without too much assistance, you too can assume you have a skull. In case you are unfamiliar with the concept, a skull's job is to hide the brain from the outside world, to protect it from incorrect ideas. This has a downside as well. The downside is that your skull may be too thick to allow new ideas to sneak in. This condition is known in medical circles as "having a thick skull", and it is said that it is something difficult to live with, as you no doubt already know.
If you have a skull, you can safely assume that you also have a brain. If you have a brain, you can assume that you are not using it to your advantage. That is a shame. If you want to proceed any further along the path of evolution you will have to stop doing this immediately and start using your brain to achieve your goals and not just to justify your pitiful existence instead. But you know this. I am not your first life coach, am I?
You must become a constantly vigilant watcher of thoughts. You must learn to interrupt your thought patterns and mend their broken and disfigured wings so that they may fly again. How do you do this? You PAY ATTENTION. It is both that simple and that complex all at once.
If you admit that only one thing I say to you is true, let it be this thing: YOU ARE YOUR FAULT! Every problem you've had, have, or will have is because you are allowing your brain to function incorrectly. If you balk or wish to argue with the above statement, do yourself a favor and stop reading right now. Delete this email and admit that you are not ready to evolve, that you only want to appear as though you are ready to evolve which is the same as staying as you are. If you are not ready to evolve and insist on doing so anyway, I can assure you only disaster will come from it.
Suggested Activities For This Sub-Heading Of Wisdom: You must learn to interrupt your thought patterns and mend their broken and disfigured wings so that they may fly again.
The Second Sub-Heading Of Wisdom: Knowing vs. Doing (A Casual Exploration)
Knowing how to build a castle does not mean that one lives in a castle. Knowing how to do a push-up does not make you strong. Knowing your problems and not doing anything other than telling them to people is not the same as solving your problems and resolving your issues.
You know this, you know I am correct about this. One of your many problems is that you do nothing about your problems except name them and throw parties in their honor.
Suggested Activities For This Sub-Heading Of Wisdom: Do something, anything about your problems aside from naming them and talking about them.
The Third Sub-Heading Of Wisdom: Self Talk, Importance Of
Inside your head, there are many voices. Few are worth listening to; none of them are there to help you. Yet, for some reason, you insist on ONLY listening to these not-worth-listening-to voices as though they were emanating from the mouths of angels. Can you see how this is problematic at best and a total disaster when not at it's best? Let's face it, signing up for life-altering emails is not the best indicator that anything within you is operating optimally.
Simply put, in order to grow and perhaps to evolve, you must first learn to regulate the many voices in your head. I cannot do this for you, but I can give you tips, and I will.
Three Tips For Eliminating Useless Internal Voices
Set aside a half hour a day to complain to yourself and wallow in self-pity. When you are going about your day and begin to whine internally, stop yourself and remind your incorrect thoughts that you allow them out of their cages every day so they may run around your psyche making everything worse than it already is and that that time is not now but it will come. Your thoughts must respect you in order for any positive change to take place. As it is right now, they do not respect you at all.
You cannot earn respect from your internal voices, you must demand it.
Mock your thoughts and dare your paranoid fears to manifest immediately. If you repeat this exercise for several days you will eventually notice that the only thing you really have cause to worry over is how awful you insist on treating yourself.
Remind yourself that your thoughts are just that- they are only thoughts. Have them, hear them, but do not assume they are correct just because they are loud.
Suggested Activities For This Sub-Heading Of Wisdom: Follow the tips above. If they do not work you must quiet the negative voice within you by any means necessary. Lull it to sleep with a tincture of Opium, threaten it with violence, take up adult coloring, meditate, get stoned- whatever it takes- do it.
End Lesson One
We have reached the limits of how much of my wisdom you can be safely exposed to in one sitting. If you have heeded my words and read them all several times and also carried out the suggested activities, you are well on your way to the next lesson.
I will see you there.
SIGN UP NOW BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND AND RAISE THE PRICE!