Dear Brothers and Sisters In Zen Boozism,
Welcome to Lesson Two of The Seven Bars Of The Soul Course. This lesson we're going to have a brief overview of the Seven Bars Of The Soul and go on for a bit about why they are so important- and useful- to aspiring and accomplished Booze Wizards alike.
You might also remember from last lesson that each of The Seven Bars is nothing more than a vortex of mystical and nervous energy located along your spine. Well, that's enough living in the past, let's get on with it:
THE SEVEN BARS OF THE SOUL
The first bar of the soul is located in your nether region's nether region at the very base of your spine. I'm talking about the perineum,more commonly referred to as the taint. Let's call it "Morty's". It's a real basic shot and a beer type bar. The patrons here need to drink, they need to win that scratch off, they need to order those onion rings.What they want doesn't matter. Needs are more important.
The bartender is concerned with your ability to survive and maybe, depending, reproduce. It's all about staying alive in this place, creature comforts come later.
Associated Booze: Bottom shelf anything, fortified wine, cheap beer.
The second bar is located a few inches above the first one, right below the belly button and it provides a stark contrast to the first bar. This place is all about the good times- in fact, we're going to call it "Goods Times Cafe". The lights are low, the joint is clean. The regulars are always laughing. There's no shortage of live music, happy hours, or free food. This is the place to go if you're looking for a body to rub up on or some chemical contraband or just want to dance and laugh the night away.
The bar tenders are solely concerned with your pleasure. They'll make sure you find what you're looking for, no matter what that is.
Associated Booze: Your favorite drink.
The bar tenders here have a tendency to ham it up and show off a bit. It's because they love their jobs and enjoy a solid sense of self, not because they're jerks. They are also tend to be excellent listeners and dispensers of advice.
Associated Booze: Any of the Clears, Boozed up coffee.
The bartenders will match your current emotional state with the perfect drink everytime. They don't mind most of what goes on in here, but they do have their lines, so be mindful not only of what you say, but how you say it.
Associated Booze: Anything with more than 4 ingredients, champagne and wine.
The bartenders are all ex-jazz musicians, which should come as no surprise.
Associated Booze: Brandy, Absinthe
The bartenders are all shamans who sneak powerful magic mushrooms into every drink, whether or not the recipe calls for it.
Associated Booze: Brandy.
Associated Booze: Water.
What the Seven Bars Of The Soul Can Do For You
Knowing about the Seven Bars gives the Booze Wizard a way to organize their inner and outer world. There's not a thought or action on this Earth that doesn't fall under the umbrella of one of them. The Seven Bars are places within you and visiting them can assist you in your quest to purge the muck from your soul. Let's take a look at a practical application:
Exercise 1: The Internal Pub Crawl
Let's say you find yourself unhappy with your current situation. Maybe your job stinks or you should be eating better. Perhaps it's been difficult to pay all the bills on time for a while. These are clearly matters that deal with survival and as such, fall under the purview of the First Bar, "Morty's". Let's say that having identified the proper Bar, you launch (drink) yourself into a trance (put on a decent load) and daydream (daydream) about being in Morty's. You can talk to the bartender and patrons about your job. Listen to what they tell you, take a look around, play some songs on the jukebox, or whatever. After all, the people and things you encounter here are just bits and pieces of yourself in different outfits. When you return from your trance (wake up hungover) you'll hopefully have brought some new insights or ideas about yourself and your situation will untangle itself. Wearing the color red while drinking cheap beers will make it easier to find and enter this bar. It's optional, but so are many things. Up to you, everyone is different.
You may be thinking "How can pretending I'm visiting a imaginary bar that exists within myself be of any help?" That's a fair and solid question for someone who isn't an aspiring Booze Wizard. By now you should have figured out that the world is way weirder than you could ever know and that in the grand scheme of things consulting with the imaginary people who dwell within us all while drinking is not that much weirder than drinking without doing this.
That's about all for now. If you choose to, try visiting a few of the Bars Of The Soul by draping yourself in the corresponding color and dousing yourself in the associated booze, just like we optionally did in the above example. It won't hurt to memorize the names, locations, and associated boozes of each of the bars either, if you're so inclined.
I'll see you next month.
Alchemist of the Blues
B. F. Smith (photo unavailable), also known as "The Alchemist of the Blues", is a time traveling Bluesman/Alchemist and founder of "Zen Boozism- The Path of the Booze Wizard." When he's not investigating chrono-anomalies or having the blues, he runs a mail order mystery school which mails out mysteries to those enrolled and then schools them.