Weekly Column About Monsters - March 10, 2018

Gary Llewellyn, Ph. D.

777 Mather's Court
Pueblo, Co 81001
(719) 555-4223
Fucking up monsters, kicking ass and not even bothering to take names. Sneaking into foreign countries. Dodging Interpol. Call me to learn how to make $500 an hour in your pajamas.
Relevant Experience/Education
Vito's Pizza Lean-To, Lexington, KY
May 2003 – June 2008
  • Driver
  • Dishwasher/Bus/Demon Exterminator
Main Line Center for Monster Hunting, Manayunk, PA
  • Graduated top of my class in Undead Relations
  • Received Diploma of Monsterology January, 2009
RAMP – Responsible Alcohol Management Program
  • Received RAMP Certification February, 2010
Barney's Restaurant, Des Moines, IA
July 2008 – June 2009
  • Served a variety of mixed drinks, beer and wine
  • Performed excellent customer service skills at a popular bar in Manayunk, PA
  • Ensured that guests got wasted
Lead Guitar for Wastrels of the Hell Dement-sions, San Bernardino, CA
March 2003 – Forevah!
  • Saw a million faces and rocked them all
  • Shredded so hard YOUR fingers bled
  • Was completely blacked out for over 75% of gigs
The greatest columnist/monster hunter for Satuday Evening Ghost
January 2016 – Present
  • Showed Uncle Mort how it's really done
  • Haven't gotten paid for almost a year despite being the only staff writer worth a shit
  • Not a hack life coach or a psychic carpet rat
  • Fucked up a lich, bad
Babysitter for the Page Five Ghoul
January 2016 – Present
  • Worked as an unpaid intern minder while still turning out stellar work on time and fucking up a lich
  • I fucked up a lich
Fermi Lab, Batavia, IL
November 2009 – November 2011
  • Capture, containment and elimination of malevolent extra-planar beings
  • Solutions-based hyper-dimensional customer support
November 2011-Present
  • Counseling and extradition of benevolent extra-planar beings
  • Performance / Quality Auditor
  • Maintenance of the science shit
Eris Exorcisms, Secane, PA
January 2009 - March 2010
Possessions Claims Inspector
  • Self Employed
  • Possessions  Claims Inspection
Grand Imperious of the Spider Revolution Army, Laos
January 2001 - March 2001
Grand mother fucking Imperious
  • Lead a revolt on a small village
  • Kept Grandmother Spider satisfied
Ridley High School, Folsom, PA
September 1989 - June 1993
Delaware County Community College, Media, PA
September 2003 - May 2005
Drexel University Online Program – Parapsychology
September 2005 - May 2008