Mystical Merwin Psychic Pet/Pet Psychic April 2018

Dear Merwin,
I work at a nudist camp for pets. (Not as crazy as it sounds if you think about it.) Mostly, everything is OK except we've been having a problem with the hot tub for a while and I was wondering if you could just tell me which one of our guests is getting too relaxed and blowing mud all over the place?

Just Doing My Job In Denver

This must be a steaming pile of frustration for you. I can understand how someone constantly dropping anchor in your waters can be problematic. Exporting cigars is a private matter that should be kept that way. I entered the Catstral Plane and visited your facility. I floated around the hot tub waiting to see who was hatching new bosses in there.

It was late at night and pretty dark but I saw, around 3 a.m., a porcupine in a purple satin robe enter the tub and then make some noises indicating that he was likely launching butt shuttles. At this point I quickly made good my escape, as I only am willing to encounter so many things on the Catsral plane. I believe the porcupine's name to be Hans.

As Always, I Remain,

P.S. See you soon.

Dear Merwin,
I'm having issues with my pet elephant, Stan. Usually, he's very smart but lately he's been forgetting things. It started out with just the small stuff but now he doesn't even know his favorite color. Can you help?

Michelle, Reno NV

Dear Michelle,
Elephants are colorblind and should not be pets and we talked about this before. Sometimes elephants do take humans as pets (and brides- but this is rare). I suggest you learn your place in this relationship.

As Always, I Remain,

Dear Merwin,
I love my pet snake so much that I bought it some legs, so it could walk around with me and feel cooler than all the other snakes. The only problem is that he hates them. Can you do your Voodoo thing and tell me why?

Alice, NJ

Dear Alice,
How do you think a snake feels about legs? Not having legs is what makes a snake a snake. By giving him legs, you stripped him of his identity and destroyed his sense of self. No wonder he hates you, you monster.

Many people think their pets are tiny humans in a different shape. This is not true. All animals are different. We like different things, hate different things. I suggest you try being a snake for a few days, just to see how you feel. I bet you feel like you could be a human again.

Herbert, your snake, really enjoys your company and just wants to be himself around you. If you let him he'll reward you with friendship and affection as long as you keep giving him mice.

As Always, I Remain,

Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn't start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.
He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at "The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack".
If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: