It's June already which means this year is just about halfway done. Which is fine by me because so far, it's been a real p.o.s of a year. The president keeps trying to grab me, my meds aren't doing a damn thing anymore and Gary disappeared again. It's been weeks this time and I don't think he's coming back. Where am I supposed to get my nip? I need it for my condition. It's not like Merwin will share his with me anymore. Not after the last time we hung out. By hang out, I mean stop by his place drunk and unannounced and then use up all his nip without so much as saying hell to him, then leaving without saying goodbye. He's such a jackhole sometimes... Also, the stars aren't making much sense this month. They're being Merwins and Garys right now and I don't know why. Typical men, you act like you're the only thing in the universe and all they do is ignore you and call you "toxic", whatever.
P.S. Here's what you came here for:
Aries- Two chicken nuggets. Just two. No dipping sauce. There's no other way.
Taurus- Flying cars aren't a real thing yet, which is a real shame. You'll find out why on the 30th.
Gemini- The stars aren't going to wait forever for you to wish on them.
Cancer- Stop calling skinny people fat, it's not ironic.
Leo- It's not like you listen. You got it all figured out, don't you?
Virgo- Blue cheese, not ranch. Idiot.
Libra- The Shadow knows, but not about you. No one will ever know about you.
Scorpio- Normally being poisonous is an advantage, but for some reason, you just can't seem to make it work out. Don't worry, it's only your life that's wasting away, not something worthwhile.
Sagittarius- How cool would it be? You know what I'm talking about.
Capricorn- The world doesn't work the way you think it does. There are way less talking birds, for one. For two, you think there are way more colors than there are. Honestly, what's "glorange" look like? It's yellow, idiot.
Aquarius- Robots are red, violent bots are blue, it doesn't matter because both kinds hate you.
Pisces- Got what you paid for yet? Feeling a bit overcharged? You're supposed to listen to Tom Waits songs, not live inside of them.