Summer enters its final phase and the forecast calls for hot and humid with a 100% chance of lazy. I actually went to outer space this month to get your horoscopes fresh from the source. No one else in this business does that, nope just me. Do you thank me for it? I wouldn't know, my phone got cut off last month and it was my only internet so I can't check my email to find out. I had to write this month's column on a palm pilot, save the .txt file to a 4 MB memory stick and mail it into the office. I don't know how I manage.
Aries- Mars, your ruling planet, just got done opposing the Moon. it usually takes him a few weeks to get his act together after all that opposing, so expect more proposing for the foreseeable future.
Taurus- Venus is hot, like temperature hot. It burns with a fever. The fever of love. A fever you are immune to. Forever immune to. That aside it's going to be a luckier than usual moth for you, so go ahead and sign up for the Russian Roulette tournament like you want. Just don't expect to meet anyone special there.
Gemini- Hot air balloons and financial security don't always go together, but thanks to a cooperative Leprechaun you capture on the 16th, they will this time.
Cancer- Dancing is often used as a metaphor for sex, but sex is hardly ever used as a metaphor for dancing. Until now. Stop fisting the Tango, you savage.
Leo- The Sun, your ruler, only works half the day, yet it is responsible for all life as we know it. Do you make all life possible while only working 12 hours a day? Then why do you act like you do?
Virgo- It's "Virgo", not "Virstay". Do you know what I mean? I think that you do.
Libra- The pole you balance your scales on will be stolen on the 22nd and sold to a strip club unless you start locking your car, which you won't, because you're incapable of change.
Scorpio- I don't know why but it's really important that you only watch even number television stations this month.
Sagittarius- It might seem like a good idea to invest in watermelon futures and then parlay those dividends into a private space program, but it's always best to consider all your options, not just the attractive ones.
Capricorn- You're right.
Aquarius- Did you ever think you'd fall in love with a smart-speaker?
Pisces- It's not "living in your car" it's "easy access to transportation." See?