Mysticial Merwin Psychic Pet/Pet Psychic

Dear Merwin,
Hi, my name is Sam, I'll tell you again at the end of this letter. The reason I'm writing is because I'm concerned about my pet rat, Sam Jr. Her name is Sam Jr. even though I'm a girl Sam and not a boy Sam btw. Not that it matters, I'm 11. My problem is that I'm really getting into my bossy phase, that's not a problem. I'm going to get drunk on power until I'm old enough to get drunk on booze, like my dad. The issue is with my cat, Cotton, isn't cottoning to it. I like my cat so much because I respect its hatred of authority but I can't help but get so mad when she disobeys me. It's not like she knows what's best for herself, she's not a person. She's just a cat. I have a feeling I'm going to be spending a lot of my future alone with cats so how do I make them do what I want, yet still have respect for them. 
Marilyn "Sam" Samson in Maryland 

Dear M"S"SIM,
Do as your people have done for generations. Develop a tase for boxed wine and learn to take delight in asking for the manager. 
As Always, I Remain, 

Dear Merwin,
My name isn't important. I'm not important. No one is. I wasn't always like this. I used to know joy and feel more than nothing. I wasn't always like this. I was once what is called happy. Ever since I scared my cat with the cucumber challenge I've realized how big of a creep I am and have been unable to do anything. I feel like I weigh ten thousand pounds. I'm always tired, but I can't sleep. I'd do anything to feel better. Please talk to my cat and tell it I'm sorry. 
Marcus Cook in Marcus Hook

Dear 1000,100,1,1000-H,
What you did was realize you're a jerk. Scaring animals because you can is what idiots do. It's good that you feel this way. I recommend that your curl into a ball and wait for the crippling guilt to pass. Your cat knows you are sorry and is almost ready to forgive you. Trust me, the horror will eventually stop and you'll be able to continue your usual programming before you know it. The only other option you have at this point is to encase yourself in a self-spun web of lies about how you didn't do what you did and wait for it to implode on you, ruining everything. Congratulations on being on the verge of not being a jerk! 
I Remain, As Always, 

Dear Merwin,
I have a pet rat. It’s pretty smart and she just finished her first novel. It’s a supernatural single dad romance cyber thriller. She already won an award for it. I’ve been trying to read it but I can’t make much sense of it. I don’t read rat and I’m only conversational at best when speaking it. I’d like to support my pet’s writing career and would love to read her novel in it’s native language. 
Dualingo and the other apps haven’t been very helpful as they focus mostly on people languages and not animal languages. Can you help?
Charles Rowtund III

Dear CR3,
Rat language only has about 187 words, so you should be able to learn it in a weekend or so. Good luck! Just search for it on Youtube. 
Smell Ya' Later, 

Merwin Smith has been a professional psychic pet his entire life. Even though he realized his gifts at an early age, he didn’t start pet psychic-ing professionally until 20 years ago.
He quickly became the darling of the pet psychic scene and was one of the most requested readers at “The Psychic Pet Pet Psychic Shack”.
If you have a question about your pet, you can email Merwin at: