Hey You, Yeah You,
I don't even want to get into what happened to me this month. Let's just say you're lucky you're getting a column at all. I can't even see in this dimension again- yet, I don't know how I'm even typing this but I am. Go ahead and toss words around like the irresponsible, incapable, uneducated, intoxicated, sober, know nothing know it all that you are- I don't care what you say about me. I know what I saw and I know that I might be, at times, when I'm stressed and pushed too far, a bit psychotic (I can see that now thanks to the visitors)- but not this time. I know what I saw.
It was a spaceship. YES, I was on DMT, NO that doesn’t invalidate my experience. No matter what you think I think happened, I know what I think happened and I'm pretty sure I know what I think about what happened and also, I think I know what happened. I'm pretty sure that what happened was that I smoked as much DMT as my dealer, Gary, did and then we were visited by a flaming orb that pulled my head out of my ass. That fat bastard Gary is a 245-pound white man and I weigh- well what are numbers anyway? I ended up smoking my own body weight of one of the most hallucinogenic substances mammal kind knows about is what's important here.
Gary thought it was funny. I trusted him and he turned that trust into an opportunity to embarrass me, but I ended up walking away from the experience more evolved and together than ever before, so joke's on you, Gary. Or did you know this would happen and now the joke is double back on me? Either way...
I'm still not straight from the trip and I haven't even started to think about the alien abduction part of things, processing wise. Violated doesn't even begin to describe it. Self-knowledge comes at a price and sometimes that price is being worked over by alien doctors who are doing who knows what for who knows how long. Ever since I got back, all I can think about is taking baths, but licking myself just triggers me, so it's not easy being where I am, headspace wise right now. All things pass, even life-altering psychedelic experiences!
Oh yeah, this isn't a rant column, it's a horoscope column! Here ya go:
Aries- Maybe reconsider somethings. You can learn a lot from talking trees if you’re willing to admit all is one. But you can’t, even though you should be able to can’t not. It's just not how you are. You know? I mean, stop fighting yourself, if you want to get anywhere. But yeah, trees know what's up and they live on Earth, not in outer space, like the planets. So maybe they have something to say to you. Go talk to one and let me know how it worked out for you. I'll at least appear to be interested.
Taurus- It's 'Tar-US', not 'Tar-I' so I don't know why you insist on being the center of attention. I don't even care if I used that gag before. Have you seen the readership numbers on this rag? Pearls before swine, week after week. I know I've told you that before, but you never listen. Ever. Not even when it's in your best interest. You're such a mess. Like me. We're messes. Let's get mops and take some hops. Get it? I don't. Not yet. But I will.
Gemini- Catfish. It’ll make sense once you befriend the man in the moon on the 7th. Trust me, you don’t want to mess with him. If you don’t believe me, you will after you demonstrate your disbelief by messing with him. Told you so, didn't I? Get it together.
Cancer- Dancing for quarters down by the docks isn’t how you saw yourself spending your adult years, but it won’t surprise your parents in the least. Maybe you should have a talk with them. They might have some insight for you, if they don't, or if they're dead (parents die), look for a talking bird to fill you in around the 22nd.
Leo- Screaming and yelling are great ways to reduce stress and come to terms with difficult life changes. They are also great ways to end up on a watch list or in an observation cell. Discretion has never been the better part of your valor, so it's a crapshoot, I guess. The stars say you'll be fine as long as you can keep it to a loud muttering and direct your rants towards the heavens, where they belong.
Virgo- Oh man, is your habit of putting your hand into every hole you see going to cost you and everyone you know their entire life savings. There's no way around it. You had a chance years ago to put an end to this sort of thing but you just stuck your hand in that hole instead, didn't you?
Libra- Fruit Loops have recently been named the best-tasting cereal in my mouth. By me. Because who else matters? I shouldn't matter to you, though, but you should matter to you. Make yourself matter to you or else you'll be sorry around the 12th.
Scorpio- You remind me of this old poem I just wrote about your sign:
We all know that Scorpios are the worst
They're mean to you until you could burst
They whip you and beat you and greatly mistreat you
But only with cash up front first
Doesn't that sound just like you?
Sagittarius- Toss a coin ten thousand times and you'll have wasted a ton of time, or would you? I don't know. It's been days since everything started glowing. Once things start glowing, who knows wtf is going to happen. Not me. Not you. Not that bastard who lives in the moon. Not anybody. You hear me? Nobody knows what is going on and never will. Get used to it.
Capricorn- I'd say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but what good is that going to do you? The stars are sick of your shit but they'll give you one more chance to redeem yourself on the 19th. In other news, keep working on that novel. turns out there are more than two people interested in a murder mystery set on the moon and centered around a turnip farmer.
Aquarius- While it's hard to argue against the fact that being an anonymous member of a vapid hive mind sounds like a great way to spend the next 4000 weeks, it'll do you good to develop some counter arguments in case the need to play devil's advocate arises on the 11th, which the houseplant in the corner insists is likely. We all know that talking to plants is the only way to make sense of this world. Even though it can't be made sense of.
Pisces- Parachutes, bars, minds, and bear traps work best when open. So do gifts, windows, and doors- most of the time. It's hard to tell sometimes. You know what works better closed? Mouths. Not just yours, everyone's. Suck it up and swallow it, no one wants to hear about it.