Straight From The Fridge: Self Help So Good It Hurts

I don't know about you, but I am exhausted. Exhausted from trying to help you. I am so sleepy, always. My weariness increases with each tick of the clock, yet you are too concerned with your own issues to see how much pain your ignorance puts me in. 

In an effort to decrease the amount of sorrow and troubles that visit you on a daily basis, I  have written two books and none of you have bothered to read them so I hired a "voice actor" to read them aloud because you are too lazy to read words and prefer to just hear them,  in a vain attempt to circumvent your laziness, yet none of you have listened. I have given you an email course meant to funnel you into my mailing list and you have not signed up. I have even hired a voice actor to read those emails to you. Yet, you do not listen. My weariness increases in direct proportion to your unwillingness to evolve. You do nothing that I recommend, yet you seem to think that your lack of inner evolution is my fault, even though I have named my website "You Are Your Fault" so that you would not do that. 

You know what you do do though? You send me letter after letter demanding my help and wisdom for your problems and issues. You also seem to follow and retweet me on twitter, without even bothering to take a look at what you are retweeting. It is the same with my FaceBook page. 

Do you see the problem with your tactic of asking for solutions to your problems and then disregarding the solution as ineffective even though it was un-applied?

I do not think that you do, if you did I would not receive the same letters over and over from you. Help me with this. Help me with that. How can I become whole? 

How can I erase the effects of a lifetime of trauma, stupidity, and wrong deductions when you won’t take advantage of the solutions I have already bestowed upon you? Honestly, you are trying both my patience and my faith in humanity. 

Let me tell you how this works (again):

First, you send me your problem, issue, or set of troubles. Second I receive them and propose a solution. Thirdly (this is where you are dropping the ball, so pay attention as hard as you can. I will even write it in all caps so you might understand it better) YOU MUST PERFORM MY SUGGESTIONS AND IMPLEMENT THEM IN YOUR LIFE NOT JUST READ THEM AND GIVE UP.

It is not that hard, what is hard is your heads. They must have the density of diamonds in order to resist the healing I freely or cheaply hand to you in the manner that you do. 

I have had enough. My soul is sick of your ignorance. My monthly column is in shambles because I can not keep writing about how stupid you insist on being. I will be gone from your lives for a while. I am going to a special shaman-monk retreat for the rest of the year. Hopefully, I will be able to repair the damage you have done to my psyche with your irrational ways. Don't worry though,  I have instructed my underlings to run a selection of my better bits and pieces in a final attempt to get through to you. It is easier to re-run material instead of re-writing it and pretending your willful ignorance of your problems is new to me. 

You are on your own for the rest of the year. There will be no more new wisdom for you until New Year. The next time I write anew to you, I expect to see you have been doing something other than what you have been doing. I am aware that is asking too much, but I refuse to give up all hope. Just most hope. I will now take myself and my remaining hope and retreat to my retreat. I hope you manage to survive this holiday season without maiming yourself or anyone else.

The Rev. Dr. Hugo Holmesnow has traveled the planet in a quest to dilute the wisdom teachings of ancient cultures so they are safe enough for common men and women everywhere to purchase and misuse.

His mystic training began at the age of four when he was accidentally left behind in the jungle while on a family vacation. Through a series of unlikely events he was eventually adopted by the local natives and trained to be a tribal shaman. After many years, Dr. Holmesnow left the familiarity and safety of the jungle to search for his family.

When he did not find them he climbed a mountain and was nearly killed in the process. The local mystic monks from the ancient monastery found him and nursed him back to health. This near death experience led him to conclude that there was more to life than what he learned from his shaman jungle training. He then began to immerse himself in the ancient mystical practices of the mountain monks. After many years he mastered them and returned to civilization. Forever changed, eternally superior.

Several weeks later he was no longer Hugo Holmesnow, son of incompetent parents. He was and is now The Rev. Dr. Holmesnow, certified life coach and inventor of the “Better Than You Superior Life Coaching System”. This system provides proven methods and techniques that are part of an overall method which contains the strategies that you need to excel, advance, achieve, attain, reach and conquer your dreams, goals, fears, hopes and desires.

In addition to creating a system of self-improvement, Holmesnow is the author of “What is Wrong With You? An Introduction to What is Wrong With You” and “Conquer Your Dreams: Defeat Your Dreams and Accomplish Your Goals”. Both are available now at Amazon in paperback and e-book formats