I am typing this on a giant screen. It is as though I'm typing on a movie screen. All of my favorite colors are here and my keyboard lights up. It lights up in purrrple. My favorite color aside from purple. If you can't tell the difference it's because you're not a cat. We have more cones or some shit.
Coming down off your weight of DMT makes you so thirsty, you wouldn't even know. Oh my good. I need a drink. The normal kind for once. What's it called? That stuff my uncle puts in my bowl that I never drink. Water! That's it. What a word “water” sounds like a dream come true. Oh, here's what you came for:
Aries- This month isn't going to be easy, not because of the stars but because of all those outstanding warrants. Those things just don't go away because you wish on a birthday cake, you know. You have to either destroy all evidence and murder the witnesses or cross your fingers and see how it goes with the court system. Either way, you'll be fine as long as you don't attend any young professionals meetings on the 14th
Taurus- Times are tougher than mom’s pork chops but that doesn't mean you can or should give up. Try something new this time like not giving up. You'll either surprise yourself or prove yourself right. Either way, you win. The prize is a piece of shit though, so maybe think about how bad you want to play?
Gemini- Stop looking for secret messages in horoscopes.
Cancer- Home is where the heart is and your heart is (or should be) in your chest. You can't live in a body cavity, you have to live in a house. I suppose you could convert your chest into a home if you really wanted to, but do you want to go through all that trouble? You'll figure it out this month.
Leo- Venus is in Vegas this month. She got a residency at the Tropicana and because of this she won't have time to square the sun on the 9th, so no orgasms for you until that passes.
Virgo- You never have to worry about having orgasms, do you? Must be nice.
Libra-Having problems balancing all those orgasms with the daily grind? The trick is to get the grind on daily so you get used to it. I'm going to be honest with you, the stars don't have much to say about you this month. Maybe I'm not as good an astrologer as I thought or maybe the stars just don't care as much as you want them to.
Scorpio- Poison is where it's at for you this month, so I guess antidotes are really where it's at for you this month. Hard to say which side of the poisoned/poisoner line you'll be on, it really depends on your ancestry and geographic location, plus luck.
Sagittarius- The stars want you to spend the month drunk. Don't ask why and don't disappoint them. Did you know that 99% of all sadness is due to ignorance about the power of astrology? The other 1% is because of sobriety.
Aquarius- Christ, you never learn do you? Change your name this month and you’ll discover the joy of learning things!
Pisces- Just hang in there. The stars say as long as you keep those lodestones in your ear and continue the chanting until the next eclipse, you’ll notice a minor reduction in supernatural horror. Sadly, the existential dread isn’t going anywhere.